Am I Losing This Race? (Part 1 of 2)

16 Aug

I read a poem once that cautioned about whom you let sit in the front seat of your life.  Because if you’re not careful, you can unwittingly break your own heart by making bad choices when it comes to those relationships.  Often times we allow people in our lives who mean us absolutely no good.  We promote them to the front seat, sometimes with very little information as to who they really are, what they stand for (if anything) and if they mean us any good.  We sow our most intimate selves into them, allowing them to sit in a seat they are not qualified or worthy to even be in simply because we see the “good” in them and the potential of what they could be in our lives, their own lives if only…

It’s like plugging a cord into an electrical outlet; if the “right” person or persons, or too many things are plugged in at once, well then the system overloads and the breaker in the fuse box associated with that energy source shuts off.  These people and things keep sucking the juice out of you and will bleed you dry if you allow them.  You nourish them, make love to them, feed them.  They come to you with their hidden agendas seeking TLC when they are stressed or depressed or just plain want to use you.  You blow hot air giving them the best advice you know how over and over again when they are broke, busted or disgusted even though secretly they have no intentions of doing anything differently.  You eventually discover that RIGHT just ain’t  in ‘em.  It is both insanity and selfishness neatly packaged together.

This quest of mine is very daunting and depending on the day, what has happened on that day (or even the day before) my faith is challenged.  Some days I feel isolated and alone.  Others I feel scared and overwhelmed and sometimes I hear a whisper in my ear that asks me “Do you have what it takes?” or sometimes “Are you really cut out for this?” and still “You’ve been away for too long and you’ve lost your touch.”

Some days I procrastinate, I become distracted and I find everything else to do except for what I should.  Sometimes I feel as if I waste away the time God has given me just trying to mentally prepare.  I go through my business books and my business plan and I become overwhelmed to the point that I must put it all down and rest.  Sometimes I am creatively challenged and grow frustrated or fearful even because I have not used my talent in so long that maybe God has taken it away…  The old use it or lose it syndrome.

I have a friend of 11 years who has become a big brother to me.  One of those types that tells you what you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear, when you need to hear it.  I talk to him about my life; jobs, men, family, friends, frustrations, set backs and triumphs…I’ve even cussed him out a time or two about his own mess.  Yet, I am never judged about my life and how I’ve lived it.  He talks about the strength that God has given me and how I’ve been called to be one of those people who others depend on and seek out for help.

At times I try to explain to him how sick I am of being the go to person and that I don’t want to hear it.  How some times I feel weak and I want to scream.  How some times I cry when I talk to God because the burdens seem too heavy to bare…

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One Response to “Am I Losing This Race? (Part 1 of 2)”

  1. Shahada Ismail August 16, 2010 at 2:04 pm #

    I share these words with you Dear Cousin, and I remind you as I remind myself to hold on to these words, Be not dismayed whate’er betide, God will take care of you;Thru days of toil when heart doth fail,God will take care of you;All you may need He will provide, God will take care of you;No matter what may be the test,God will take care of you;Lean, weary one, upon His breast,God will take care of you.God will take care of you,
    Thru ev’ry day, O’er all the way;He will take care of you.God will take care of you.

    These words are from an old gospel song, I know you know very well. Love you cuz, Shahada aka Eric

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