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Am I Losing This Race? (Part 2 of 2)

13 Sep


But then God being who he is in my life is alway sure to come shining through.  WITHOUT FAIL.  Just when it seems like you are all alone, someone shows up or something divine happens…

  • I remember feeling so depressed one day that I didn’t bother to get out of bed.  A friend I had not talked to in months sent a text out of the clear blue inviting me to a church in Harlem to see a snippet of an inspirational, one man off broadway play.  He did not know how I was feeling that day but God did.  And he pulled me out of that slump by causing someone to think of me.  After the performance, the star of the show spoke of a hard life and how he endured.  Here he was living and fulfilling his dream, his passion.  There I was to experience it and had not previously planned to be there.  I was inspired and no longer felt depressed.  I felt loved by God and thought of.
  • I was blessed to be able to take part in a program that allowed me to spend a brief period of time in two European fashion capitals.  It was what I need to jumpstart and fuel my creativity.  I met designers, toured design exhibitions, learned European draping techniques, toured a famous embroidery house, attended an Haute Couture auction, received valuable advice from designers who complimented me and told me things about myself that I did not necessarily see.  I met a guy on a Parisian street who told me I would be famous one day (as he pointed out the location of Karl Lagerfield’s residence).  Only God knows if that is the case but all of the above was truly enlightening.
  • I mentioned feeling creatively challenged sometimes.  I wanted to design a business logo, and for the life of me nothing would come to mind.  But one day, my first mind (as my mother calls it) told me to snap a picture of a spiral staircase that I came down.  Wouldn’t you know it?  When I looked at the photo, I immediately saw my inspiration; it was amazing.  I just liked how the stairs looked and I wasn’t even thinking about a logo at the time.  But there it was.
  • I went to bed one night after a long day and I remember being so tired.  As soon as sleep came, I begin to have visions of fashion designs.  A designer told me once to keep a sketch book with me at all times and this night, I had decided to leave it on my little night stand.  Well I got up, in my sleepiness and begin to sketch what I had seen in that vision.   Afterwhich I laid down to go back to sleep.  As soon as sleep came again, so did another vision.  So there I was, up again sketching what I had seen.  See how God works?  I’ll let you know if these designs become major sellers one day.
  • As I talked more about this path I so desired, my adopted big brother (of 11 years) presented a book to me one day entitled “Your Dreams Will Make Room For You.”  He gave it to me with a sense of pride because it was written by someone he knew personally and he was giving it to someone who was near and dear to his heart (awww).  The book touched upon a crucial, yet common truth that when you put yourself on a path (whatever that path may be) you will begin to connect with others going the same direction.  Soon, your network becomes an intricate one made up of people and things who value and are passionate about the same or similar things you are.  Inevitably, you begin to help each other along the way.  If you are passionate enough and endure, you soon begin to realize your dreams.  They make room for you.

One of the best sayings in life is that “experience is the best teacher” and throughout my life, slowly but surely, I have discovered that the toxic people I’ve allowed in the front seat of my life assisted in draining my life force with their mess.  Since I considered myself to be a friend of theirs, I had expected them to sow good fruit in my life.  Looking back, I realize they weren’t even capable of sowing good fruit in their own lives, let alone mine.

I still help people.  It gives me joy to be able to and I am grateful to God that he has blessed me to do so.  But he has given me increased knowledge and wisdom on how to go about it and who to do it for.  My intentions are not to offend people.  But sometimes, I cut my ringers off for a week. I disconnect from the world, so I can have a better connection to God.  I need to be fueled.  I need extra fuel from time to time and only He can do that.

I was on Facebook one day browsing through friends pages and some of their friends pages (whose walls were unrestricted).  I read some of their posts, and realized (as if I didn’t already know) that I am not the only one.  Life is just plain hard and painful sometimes.  But also what we make it.  So, as I read I said a prayer for them.

Our lives are full of set backs and triumphs but the important thing to know is that this is what life is.  Keep conquering the mountains that block your view from time to time, bask in the sun for a while and breath in the pure fresh air when you reach the tops of those mountains and always maintain the lessons behind the trial for they will propel you to a better and brighter you.  Cling to God and remember that with him nothing is impossible.  And even though you may feel like you’re failing, you are actually doing a good job (because he’s leading you anyway).

Ain’t nothing left for none of us to do BUT do it, whatever it is.  What God-given passion has been calling your name?  Think about it.  I’ll pray for you, you pray for me, and I’ll keep you posted.

Am I Losing This Race? (Part 1 of 2)

16 Aug

I read a poem once that cautioned about whom you let sit in the front seat of your life.  Because if you’re not careful, you can unwittingly break your own heart by making bad choices when it comes to those relationships.  Often times we allow people in our lives who mean us absolutely no good.  We promote them to the front seat, sometimes with very little information as to who they really are, what they stand for (if anything) and if they mean us any good.  We sow our most intimate selves into them, allowing them to sit in a seat they are not qualified or worthy to even be in simply because we see the “good” in them and the potential of what they could be in our lives, their own lives if only…

It’s like plugging a cord into an electrical outlet; if the “right” person or persons, or too many things are plugged in at once, well then the system overloads and the breaker in the fuse box associated with that energy source shuts off.  These people and things keep sucking the juice out of you and will bleed you dry if you allow them.  You nourish them, make love to them, feed them.  They come to you with their hidden agendas seeking TLC when they are stressed or depressed or just plain want to use you.  You blow hot air giving them the best advice you know how over and over again when they are broke, busted or disgusted even though secretly they have no intentions of doing anything differently.  You eventually discover that RIGHT just ain’t  in ‘em.  It is both insanity and selfishness neatly packaged together.

This quest of mine is very daunting and depending on the day, what has happened on that day (or even the day before) my faith is challenged.  Some days I feel isolated and alone.  Others I feel scared and overwhelmed and sometimes I hear a whisper in my ear that asks me “Do you have what it takes?” or sometimes “Are you really cut out for this?” and still “You’ve been away for too long and you’ve lost your touch.”

Some days I procrastinate, I become distracted and I find everything else to do except for what I should.  Sometimes I feel as if I waste away the time God has given me just trying to mentally prepare.  I go through my business books and my business plan and I become overwhelmed to the point that I must put it all down and rest.  Sometimes I am creatively challenged and grow frustrated or fearful even because I have not used my talent in so long that maybe God has taken it away…  The old use it or lose it syndrome.

I have a friend of 11 years who has become a big brother to me.  One of those types that tells you what you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear, when you need to hear it.  I talk to him about my life; jobs, men, family, friends, frustrations, set backs and triumphs…I’ve even cussed him out a time or two about his own mess.  Yet, I am never judged about my life and how I’ve lived it.  He talks about the strength that God has given me and how I’ve been called to be one of those people who others depend on and seek out for help.

At times I try to explain to him how sick I am of being the go to person and that I don’t want to hear it.  How some times I feel weak and I want to scream.  How some times I cry when I talk to God because the burdens seem too heavy to bare…